Sometimes I just want to hide under the covers–quite literally–and just not do anything. Somehow, I figure, time doesn’t pass if I stay here. Getting up at 1pm is no different than getting up at 6am, because time freezes.
I won’t have to face the mounting pile of responsibility. The things I haven’t done yet because I’m afraid. The things that invite in an unknown future that’s already coming a million times faster than I want it to. I don’t feel prepared. I’m constantly wondering if I’m doing this right, if it’s what I’m supposed to do. Am I qualified? Can you tell? It just seems easier if I ignore it. If I ignore everything that reminds me of it. I don’t do it, and that actually makes things worse, but sometimes I just don’t care. If I just watch HGTV and refresh Instagram all day rather than face the fact that my life is going to speed up and change soon, then it won’t. It’s fine. I’m fine.
The covers also protect me from a world that I don’t understand. From a world where dozens of innocent people die daily at the hands of someone angry and violent. Every day there is new news about a shooting or stabbing or bomb going off. Fingers are pointed. Fights get started. I fear for my friends and their friends and what if something were to happen to me. I fly through airports. I live in Germany. Will I be okay? I watch the news and shake my head, with bated breath. We start questioning were the good is and if there’s any left in the world. Is God there? It’s not fair. It doesn’t make sense. And it’s sad and hard to watch.
I want to avoid rooms full of people cursing other people; even sometimes people in the same room. No one seems to know what they want, just that the other one is wrong. Everyone is frustrated with everyone. There are claims of fraud and lying and cheating and ignorance. From this chaos will come the next leader of my country. I can’t control it. I don’t know what the next four years are going to look like. It confuses me and scares me. And yet, it’s going to happen.
My Facebook feed is filled with declarations of support and horror and iterations of “Come quickly, Lord Jesus.” And the worst part is that I know that this is the beginning. Come fall, I’m going to be busier and more stressed and things in the world can only get worse.
You guys. I feel like this summer is a big one. Between the heartbreaking stories plastered across the news and the insane political everything happening; for me, I’m looking at the next school year with a good deal of apprehension. But I think in general, when things like those that are going on go on, it’s easy just to feel…deflated.
Here’s an example to explain what I mean: I worked for a little at the beginning of the summer, and then I went to camp.
Camp was good, y’all. Camp was really, really good.
And then I came home. When you’re at your best, the lies are loudest. It’s true. I’ve seen the Lord deeply recently, but I don’t remember ever feeling so small and scared and anxious.
The enemy works really hard to make sure we lose that joy. It’s easy to attack and overwhelm. Things are bad. That’s a fact. Therefore God’s not here. He doesn’t care, right? So here we are. If, as they say, it takes the bad to know the good, then these past couple weeks have made me appreciate camp all the more. I’m rushed and frazzled, lonely and scared, overwhelmed and uncomfortable. I can’t catch a break, but I feel like I’m running out of time.
I don’t like it. But you know what? Maybe that’s okay. Maybe it teaches me something about God. Let’s focus on that.
Because I believe that He is in control and that He loves me and cares about the world. He has proven to me over and over again His faithfulness. So my fear, my reluctance, my hesitation, my confusion, that’s a tool. I know that the Lord has a sense of humor, and He can see far more than we can. He is so much bigger than today, than this summer, than the world. He has a plan that will ultimately end in His glory. This is just a small, messy, moment in that. He’s working in me, in my reaction to my life, just like He’s working in and through everyone and everything else in the world. For His glory and our good.
So even though I don’t know where I’m going to college and the thought of applying makes me sick; even though I haven’t done my summer homework yet; even though my heart breaks with every death toll that comes on screen, and world politics make me worry about the future of the world, I know that He’s gonna do something great with it.
It might take time. Things will be uncomfortable.
But take heart, for Christ has overcome the world.